The Doctor & The Spy
by JunoInferno
Summary: Just a lark expounding upon the James Bond is a Time Lord theory, featuring the Eleventh Doctor, Amy, Rory and the Craig Bond.


Author's Notes: I do not own Doctor Who or James Bond, but how rich would I be if I did? This is a crossover with the Eleventh Doctor and the Craig Bond, taking place after the events of The Power of Three and Skyfall, respectively. Just a lark expounding off the James Bond is a Time Lord theory, so sorry if that bugs you. Happy reading!

* * *

"Winner."

Bond took his winnings and looked again at the redhead sitting across the table.

"You're lucky, aren't you?," she asked with a smile in her Scottish accent.

"I wouldn't call it luck," said Bond. "I've just been playing this game a very long time."

She smiled and nodded.

"What's a Scottish girl doing in Macau?," asked Bond.

"Oh, you know, just travelling."

"On your own?," asked Bond.

"Oh, no, I-"

"Bet it all on red!"

Bond froze. He looked up from his chips and saw a man with floppy hair wearing a top hat and tails.

"There is no red," the banker said crisply.

"Oh? Bet it all on black then." He looked at the redhead. "Amy, where did you get off to?"

"Oh, you know, I was just chatting with Mister..." Amy looked over at him. "Sorry, I forgot to ask your name."

Bond looked up at the Doctor. "Bond. James Bond."

A mix of dread and realization came over the Doctor's face. "Oh, well, we really ought to be going. Amy, Rory, come on."

"Oh, don't you dare," said Bond. He looked at the banker. "Deal me out."

Amy and Rory tried to keep up as the Doctor dragged them through the casino floor back to the TARDIS.

"Doctor, who was that?," asked Amy.

"You're holding my arm really tightly," said Rory.

"Never mind that. Anyone fancy a visit to Saturn? Those rings aren't what you think they are..."

"Don't you dare walk away from me, old man," said Bond.

"Old man?," asked Rory.

Amy freed herself from the Doctor's grip. "Sorry, you know him?"

The Doctor resignedly stopped as Amy faced Bond.

"Unfortunately," said Bond. He looked at the Doctor. "He's my father."

"What?!," asked Amy. She and Rory exchanged glances.

"You didn't mention you had a son," said Rory.

"It's a long story," said the Doctor. He looked at Bond. "You came back blond."

Bond rolled his eyes. "You came back at the age of fifteen. Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?"

"Of course I do!," said the Doctor. "Didn't I teach you anything?"

"Yes, that you'll never answer my calls."

"Okay, someone is going to have to spell this out for me," said Amy. She looked at the Doctor. "This is your son?"

"Yes," the Doctor bitterly conceded.

Amy looked back at Bond. "So what? You're part human, part Time Lord? Is that it?"

"No, I'm as Time Lord as he is," said Bond.

"I don't know if I'd say that," said the Doctor.

"Right," said Bond. "That's why I was born a Time Lord, grew up a Time Lord with the most eccentric father in the Seven Systems-"

"I prefer eccentric!," snapped the Doctor. "Oh, right, you just said eccentric."

"Got exiled to Earth where I've gone through, oh, let's see, six regenerations, not including this one-"

"Six? How did you go through six?," asked the Doctor.

Bond motioned at him. "Look who I'm talking to. What number is this?"

"Eleven," the Doctor muttered.

"Not to mention the Time War," said Bond. "Do you know what they did? Fob watched me, sent me to Scotland as a child. Thank you so much for coming to collect me. I had to go through puberty all over again!"

"I'm sorry," the Doctor finally said. "The way the Time War ended, I thought you were better off."

"What does he mean fob watched?," asked Rory.

"My biology was changed to human," said Bond. "Not my favorite thing. No offense. I had re-qualified as a double-o again before I realized what happened!"

"What's a double-o?," asked Rory.

"License to kill."

"Okay, leaving now," said Rory moving towards the TARDIS. Amy yanked him by the wrist and pulled him back. She looked pointedly at the Doctor.

"Well, Rassilon didn't take it too well when you regenerated looking like him," said the Doctor.

Bond cracked a smile. "That was good."

The Doctor smiled. "Yeah, it was."

"What were you in exile for?," asked Amy.

The Doctor's smile disappeared. "Philandering!," he spat.

"Are we going to go through this again?," asked Bond. "Over and over. The same argument we've been having for a thousand years!"

"How many women have you slept with now?," asked the Doctor. "Five? Six?"

Bond shook his head. "Oh, look who I'm talking to? How many teenage girls have you collected over the years?"

"It's not like that!," the Doctor said offended.

Bond walked away. The Doctor looked at Amy and Rory. "What about the Moons of Cristalia? Eighteen individual moons connected by pedestrian footbridges and one water slide."

Amy crossed her arms. "He's your son."

"Yes, I know," said the Doctor.

"You can't leave it like that with him," said Amy.

"You don't know what he's like, Amy. He goes around with guns and... pointy things. He was exiled for a reason."

"Didn't you tell me you were exiled as well?," asked Amy. "I suppose there was a reason for that."

The Doctor looked to Rory for sympathy. He shrugged helplessly.

"Oh, fine!," said the Doctor and he went in pursuit of Bond.

* * *

The Doctor made his way to the bar finally finding Bond next to his favorite drink.

"Do you still take it shaken?," asked the Doctor.

"I don't abandon what works," said Bond.

"I don't believe in violence," the Doctor said softly. "You know that."

"That may be all well and good with a TARDIS, but for those of us just dumped on an alien world, we have to work with what there is." He took another sip of the martini. "Besides, you did your share during the war."

"Yes," the Doctor admitted. "Violence does something to you, it takes away pieces of you. You know it."

"Luckily, I don't have any pieces left to lose."

The Doctor nodded. "I was sorry about Tracy."

Bond turned to look at the Doctor. "You never met."

"I came to the wedding."

Bond narrowed his eyes. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Well, it was before my last regeneration. I had a lot of stops to make that day. You weren't my only wedding."

Bond nodded. "Of course not." He motioned the empty glass towards the bartender. "I'll have another of these."

"How much vodka can you drink?," asked the Doctor.

"My second self did go out with a bad liver and two broken hearts," said Bond. "Better that way. I managed to come back looking exactly like my first self."

"Well, you always were better at regenerating than me," said the Doctor.

"That's putting it mildly," said Bond.

"How did you ever settle on the name James Bond?," asked the Doctor.

"I couldn't very well introduce myself as Hepta," said Bond, taking a sip of the fresh martini. He turned to the Doctor. "Or worse yet, John Smith."

The Doctor stiffened. "No need to get personal."

"I could have helped, you know," said Bond.

"Helped?," asked the Doctor.

"The Daleks. The Cybermen. The Master. I know I could have helped with that."

"Well, he ended up shot anyway."

"Yes, but I would have done it earlier," said Bond. "Saved us all a lot of bother."

"I can't pretend that I like all of what you do. I do know that if you didn't this world would have been dead long ago."

Bond turned to the Doctor. "Is that approval I'm hearing?"

"Do you need my approval?"

Bond shrugged. "I wouldn't know your approval if it came and introduced itself."

Bond turned back to his drink. The Doctor let the conversation pause again.

"Don't the people you work with notice when you change faces? I've found humans to be picky about that sort of thing."

Bond smiled wryly. "I think they're under the impression it's a code name."

"A code name?," exclaimed the Doctor. "That's ridiculous."

"You're telling me."

"Haven't they noticed you order the same drink?"

"I know." He sighed. "I thought about settling down not too long ago."

"What happened?"

"She was a double agent. Besides, not long after that I remembered who I was and realized there's no settling down for us. That all went away with Gallifrey, didn't it?"

Bond put down his empty martini glass and motioned for another.

"There's too much to do out there," said the Doctor. "Why settle down?"

"Your faces change, but you never do," remarked Bond.

The Doctor chuckled. "I dount that. You, though, you're always changing. I have a confession. I never liked your second self much."

Bond looked at him as the fresh martini arrived. "I really don't think anyone did. Still, better looking than your second self."

"Oi! Looks aren't everything."

"What a relief for you."

The Doctor motioned at the martini. "How many of those are you going to drink?"

"How much vodka do they have here?"

The Doctor looked at the waitress. "Excuse me, I'd like one of those, what is it?"

"Vodka martini, shaken not stirred," said Bond.

"Vodka martini, shaken not stirred," said the Doctor. "With some celery, if you have it."

The bartender nodded and walked off.

"With celery?," Bond demanded.

"Step out of your comfort zone sometime," said the Doctor.

"I need to step out of my comfort zone?," asked Bond.

The bartender arrived with a martini with a celery stalk sticking out of it. The Doctor lifted the glass to his lips, took one sip of it and spat it out across the bar. "What was that taste?!," he asked, grabbing a cocktail napkin to wipe off his tongue.

"Vodka," answered Bond.

"Well, it's disgusting and burny!"

"So, is this where we go our separate ways?"

"Oh, I don't know. I did promise Amy and Rory a trip to macau. Maybe I could tag along with you. What are you up to?"

"I'm stopping a super villain from using a laser satellite to cause global warming and hold nations hostage."

The Doctor smiled. "Oh, that sounds like fun!"

Bond shook his head. "You're not coming!"

The Doctor got up from his barstool and hurried off. "Oh, yeah? How are you gonna stop me? I have a TARDIS and you don't!"

Bond finished his martini and then the one with the celery. He put a big chip on the counter for the bartender. "I hope you have more where that came from."


End file.
